Let Women Tell Their Stories part 2

 I thought about going in and editing last week's post to add this little snippet. But I didn't want to make that post any longer than it already was.

Also. Just writing that much out last week has opened a floodgate of more ways the ex expected me to hold things together to make him look good without him having to lift a finger. Since I can't afford therapy right now, perhaps I can offload some of the damage he did to me here and work through the different ways he used me.

The one I want to address today is not really about me, so much, but rather illustrates how the ex sought and found another woman to use to hold things together.

Anyway, if you read part 1 of this series, you would have found out about the girlfriend that the ex asked me to leave because of. Well, the following year the ex hosted Christmas for our grown children with the help of his girlfriend. My children were still mad at him and her and decided that they weren't going to even acknowledge her existence at the house I used to share with my ex.

But I did something right in raising my daughter. She saw the girlfriend hiding in the kitchen doing the dishes. And she saw that she was being used by the ex just like I was. So she went in and made conversation with her out of empathy. 

I had made peace a long time ago concerning whatever females my ex decided to carry on with. They didn't know what he was or what they were getting themselves into. Initially, he can present pretty well. And they probably believed his lies that I was an awful person. 

Needless to say, the ex's relationship with that girlfriend didn't last long. And he has had many other girlfriends since then, including a long distance relationship with a female from Russia.

He still truly believes that his "soulmate" is out there somewhere waiting for him.

I saw the following quote on the internet somewhere. It said:

"I'm not sure what a soulmate is. But I'm pretty sure that it isn't someone who sucks your soul right out of you."

And I have to agree. The ex says and truly believes he is searching for a soulmate. But what he's really looking for is a mother/workhorse/savior/porn star. That's what he thinks a soulmate is.

"Let Women Tell Their Stories" And Col. 1:17

 The title of the post is a quote from Ngina's blog post "Do Pastors Ask Women To Be Saviors and Mothers of Their Husbands?"

Originally she posted on Instagram: "Culture and Christianity often ask women to be moms and saviors of their husbands." She said this amidst a few other things.

A man responded and said "“Nowhere in Christianity are women taught to be saviors or mothers to their husband. Secondly, dysfunctional behaviors is a human problem, not a gender problem. Both men and women bring dysfunctional traits to a marriage.”"

The above linked post is in response to his comment on Instagram. She says a lot of good things in that post and I encourage you to read the entire thing. But her main point is that women are called upon by society and the church to continually go the extra mile without rest while giving the man a pass to be a big, self-centered baby. Not her words. Just my paraphrase.

So, anyway, I am now going to tell a very abbreviated version of my story. I'm leaving out a lot of details, so if something doesn't make sense, ask. I can elaborate.

I divorced the man-child back in February of 2021. We had both agreed that the marriage was unsustainable. But we had also agreed that, just like I was with him through the deaths of his parents, we would hold off on the divorce until I got my mother situated in a way where she didn't need as much care from me. He couldn't hold out. He asked me to leave because he had a girlfriend he wanted to go public with in the small town where we lived (he had been unfaithful with many different women for years,) They felt they couldn't go public as long as I was still hanging around. The girlfriend had a reputable business in town and didn't want to be considered a home wrecker. If I could have spoken to her, I would have assured her that the man-child aka "Captain Chaos" wrecked our home years ago.

Anyway, I digress. I finally was able to get my mother moved to an assisted living and that very week, I found an apartment and moved out. Suddenly, my life became a whole lot easier. The ex was a walking mess maker. When he cooked, he usually dirtied every dish in the house. If I cleared a flat surface like a counter or table top, he would clutter it up again instantaneously when he was home. If he was at work or sleeping, I could enjoy that clear space until he got home or woke up. He was always wanting to do things then left the clean up for me. Like camping. He dumped everything on the living room floor when we got back and never touched it again. He would want to do an Octoberfest on some land we own. But once the partying was done, he didn't lift a finger to clean up, letting trash blow around all winter if I didn't go do something about it.

If I ever complained about the messes he made he would accuse me of "raining on his parade." My only response was, "Well at least you get a parade because I sure don't." But I wish I had a response that I heard later from a friend who was in a similar situation. She said that in her previous marriage, she felt like the person who followed the parade with a pooper scooper to clean up all the trash and horse crap.

Anyway, recently it got back to me the my ex was claiming that our divorce was traumatic for him. I was incredulous. He was the one who told me to move out. He was the one who was chronically unfaithful. So how did this divorce traumatize him?

But then I realized, I was no longer there to clean up after him and the house he lives in is in terrible shape. I held everything together when I lived there. When I left, it fell apart. Completely

So here is how he demanded that I be his savior/servant/mother. This verse speaks of Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:17 He [b]is before all things, and in Him all things [c]hold together.

The ex was the first part of the verse. He made sure he was the most important person in all things. But the second part of the verse was all me. I held everything together. When I left, it fell apart and he had to live with the consequences of his entitled, self-centered, inconsiderate mess making. And he found it to be traumatizing.

What the heck did he think living with him was like for me? He never thought twice about what he was doing to me. It was all about him. And the church agreed with him. They said over and over again that if I just submitted enough and respected him enough, that would save the marriage.

Because for a long time, that is all the church cared about. Saving marriages. If it was destroying someone in the marriage, that didn't matter a hill of beans. Glad this is starting to change. But it's taking way too long. And it's way too late for me.

No Quarter November Numbskull

 Stupid title. I know. But I'll get to the reason for it later.

The main reason for this post is to link a secular article about Wilson's No Quarter November Fiasco.

That Moscow Mood: How much culture war is too much, for American Evangelicals?

Linking the above because I found that it summarized the crazy events on Twitter/X that dogged Wilson's No Quarter November antics this year.

WenatcheTheHatchet was the first to draw my attention to the fact that Driscoll was influenced by Doug Wilson early on. And I can really see that. If I knew where to find that post, I'd link it. May go back and do this eventually.

Anyway, why did I use the term "Numbskull" to describe Wilson? Because it starts with an "N" like No and November. Numbskull means stupid or foolish person. Wilson is not stupid. He is very intelligent. However, Wilson is not wise. He is quite foolish, and not in a good way. He is foolish in his words and thoughts and in the way he causes "The Little Ones to Stumble". He is foolish because he is oblivious to the millstone that he has been attaching to his own neck over that last few decades of his life.

It is true that I am angry with him for his abuses and for covering up the abuses of other privileged white men. But more than that, I pity him for his foolishness and misunderstanding of the heart of God for His children.