Let Women Tell Their Stories part 4

As my memory goes backwards in time to the ways my husband expected me to do everything while he gets the benefit, I think of something that happened while I was a stay at home mom, homeschool mom, and a pastor's wife.

That's right. Early on in our relationship, my husband pastored. Another situation where I did most of the work concerning Sunday mornings. I might get into that later, but I have another story to tell about that time

Because we rented a building on Sunday Mornings, we held our Wednesday night Bible study at our house. Since the husband had another job besides pastoring, it was up to me to whip the house into shape for Bible Study that night while also homeschooling and caring for four children.

After time, my older sons started hanging around a group of friends and we opened out home to a Thursday night youth group where we showed a movie, gave them popcorn and soda then discussed the movie afterwards. There was a lot of cleaning up after that.

Then some time after that, the husband decide that he wanted to invite people over for supper on Friday Night.

That finally broke me. I explained to him that I was already maxed out and that I couldn't possibly host another thing. Homeschooling was already suffering because of all the extra burden I was carrying.

He fought me on this a little bit, but I wouldn't budge on this one.

Shortly after this, at a family gathering, his sister came to me and started lecturing me on the importance of being hospitable. She was gently trying to point out to me about how Biblical this was and that I needed to step up and be more hospitable.

This blindsided me, and I did not have a good response to her. Looking back on it a little later, I realized that the husband complained to her about how unreasonable I was about not letting him invite people over on Friday nights.

If I had not been blindsided I would have asked her if the husband had bothered to mention that I was already opening my home two nights a week. And I would have asked why those two nights did not count as being Biblically Hospitable. But, alas, I did not have my wits about me enough to make my case. I just shrugged her off. I knew I was already overextended. I didn't have it in me to lay things out for her. I was too exhausted..

And there were no teachings out there that I was exposed to about mental load and distribution of household labor. Just teachings on wives submit and respect and be oh so careful about ever telling him "no."

All I knew was that in order to support my husband's ministry and make him look good, I had to lay my life and sanity down and be his mother/servant/savior, making all things work for him.

Let Women Tell Their Stories part 3

As I relay my story of my ex forcing me into a mother/servant/savior mode over the years, I seem to be going backwards in time.

Early in our marriage, I was able to stay home and homeschool our children. I also did all the housework and household chores including mowing.

But then there came a point where I had to go back to work. And when I went to work, it became completely impossible to keep up with the continual mess making by Captain Chaos and his rambunctious offspring. So I had to pick and chose what was important to me as far as cleaning was concerned. There were some things that I just had to let go. There wasn't enough time in the day.

We went along this way for a few years. Then suddenly, one day, my husband decided to be mad at me about that state of the house and started yelling at me about it. One of the things he said was that I was a "terrible homemaker." 

And with this intended insult, I had a clearer understanding of his insanely unrealistic expectations.

Proverbs 26:2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying. so a curse without cause does not rest.

It was impossible for me to feel insulted or shamed by his remark. What was clear was that he had no clue what a homemaker even was. Instead of defending myself, I explained to him that the day I went back to work fulltime was the day I stopped being a homemaker.

But he wasn't having it. I was a wife and mother. I lived in a house. Therefore that made me a homemaker. Thus he was demanding that I be his mother/servant/savior.

But neither was I having it. There was no way on God's green earth that I was going to let him get by with misusing that word without a fight. Because he was a volatile man, I carefully chose my battles. And this battle was very much chosen. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You either have a homemaker you support or a fellow breadwinner you partner with.

He showed that he couldn't partner with me. He could only be demanding, demeaning, and incapable of understanding basic time constraints. In other words, he can only understand life in terms of his needs and whether or not I was meeting them to his satisfaction.

One time, I was trying to go back to school to get a new degree in my field and this really put a cramp in his style. Even though he initially agreed to me going to school, when it took away time from me taking care of him he started to really complain. One of my responses was, "I need for you to not be so helpless." This just made him angrier and he yelled louder.

I learned a long time ago that I wasn't allowed to have needs. And because I was low-maintenance anyway, I could live that narrative for a little while. But it was not a healthy or sustainable narrative for either of us. I was never designed to be his mother/servant/savior.

Edited to add this link: Narcissists use WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE

She just posted this today which I thought was fitting. I didn't have the phrase to use then. I only saw it as helplessness.

A Late Link about "The Rise and Fall..."

Taking a short break from my "Let Women Tell Their Stories" Series. 

Somehow, back in 2021, amidst all the "Rise and Fall of Mars Hill" mishmash, I missed an article calling out a misunderstanding that Cosper has concerning victims of religious hierarchal abuse.

But in an effort to be kind to myself and my own healing, that was the year my divorce was finalized. In addition, I had a whole host of other things going on.

Anyway, there is an article in the Baptist News Global concerning Cosper's interview with Josh Harris and how he and Christianity Today "used its conversation with Harris to further push a false narrative about the hurting people conservative evangelicals have abused."

Sorry if you have seen this. But I haven't until just recently. And I want it be able to find this article quickly so I'm linking it here:

I lived in the culture of 'The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill' and there's one part of the story that's wrong.

Now, hopefully I can finish my series "Let Women Tell Their Stories" where I'm telling the story of how my ex used me and made me his mother/servant/savior.