Let Women Tell Their Stories part 2

 I thought about going in and editing last week's post to add this little snippet. But I didn't want to make that post any longer than it already was.

Also. Just writing that much out last week has opened a floodgate of more ways the ex expected me to hold things together to make him look good without him having to lift a finger. Since I can't afford therapy right now, perhaps I can offload some of the damage he did to me here and work through the different ways he used me.

The one I want to address today is not really about me, so much, but rather illustrates how the ex sought and found another woman to use to hold things together.

Anyway, if you read part 1 of this series, you would have found out about the girlfriend that the ex asked me to leave because of. Well, the following year the ex hosted Christmas for our grown children with the help of his girlfriend. My children were still mad at him and her and decided that they weren't going to even acknowledge her existence at the house I used to share with my ex.

But I did something right in raising my daughter. She saw the girlfriend hiding in the kitchen doing the dishes. And she saw that she was being used by the ex just like I was. So she went in and made conversation with her out of empathy. 

I had made peace a long time ago concerning whatever females my ex decided to carry on with. They didn't know what he was or what they were getting themselves into. Initially, he can present pretty well. And they probably believed his lies that I was an awful person. 

Needless to say, the ex's relationship with that girlfriend didn't last long. And he has had many other girlfriends since then, including a long distance relationship with a female from Russia.

He still truly believes that his "soulmate" is out there somewhere waiting for him.

I saw the following quote on the internet somewhere. It said:

"I'm not sure what a soulmate is. But I'm pretty sure that it isn't someone who sucks your soul right out of you."

And I have to agree. The ex says and truly believes he is searching for a soulmate. But what he's really looking for is a mother/workhorse/savior/porn star. That's what he thinks a soulmate is.

"Let Women Tell Their Stories" And Col. 1:17

 The title of the post is a quote from Ngina's blog post "Do Pastors Ask Women To Be Saviors and Mothers of Their Husbands?"

Originally she posted on Instagram: "Culture and Christianity often ask women to be moms and saviors of their husbands." She said this amidst a few other things.

A man responded and said "“Nowhere in Christianity are women taught to be saviors or mothers to their husband. Secondly, dysfunctional behaviors is a human problem, not a gender problem. Both men and women bring dysfunctional traits to a marriage.”"

The above linked post is in response to his comment on Instagram. She says a lot of good things in that post and I encourage you to read the entire thing. But her main point is that women are called upon by society and the church to continually go the extra mile without rest while giving the man a pass to be a big, self-centered baby. Not her words. Just my paraphrase.

So, anyway, I am now going to tell a very abbreviated version of my story. I'm leaving out a lot of details, so if something doesn't make sense, ask. I can elaborate.

I divorced the man-child back in February of 2021. We had both agreed that the marriage was unsustainable. But we had also agreed that, just like I was with him through the deaths of his parents, we would hold off on the divorce until I got my mother situated in a way where she didn't need as much care from me. He couldn't hold out. He asked me to leave because he had a girlfriend he wanted to go public with in the small town where we lived (he had been unfaithful with many different women for years,) They felt they couldn't go public as long as I was still hanging around. The girlfriend had a reputable business in town and didn't want to be considered a home wrecker. If I could have spoken to her, I would have assured her that the man-child aka "Captain Chaos" wrecked our home years ago.

Anyway, I digress. I finally was able to get my mother moved to an assisted living and that very week, I found an apartment and moved out. Suddenly, my life became a whole lot easier. The ex was a walking mess maker. When he cooked, he usually dirtied every dish in the house. If I cleared a flat surface like a counter or table top, he would clutter it up again instantaneously when he was home. If he was at work or sleeping, I could enjoy that clear space until he got home or woke up. He was always wanting to do things then left the clean up for me. Like camping. He dumped everything on the living room floor when we got back and never touched it again. He would want to do an Octoberfest on some land we own. But once the partying was done, he didn't lift a finger to clean up, letting trash blow around all winter if I didn't go do something about it.

If I ever complained about the messes he made he would accuse me of "raining on his parade." My only response was, "Well at least you get a parade because I sure don't." But I wish I had a response that I heard later from a friend who was in a similar situation. She said that in her previous marriage, she felt like the person who followed the parade with a pooper scooper to clean up all the trash and horse crap.

Anyway, recently it got back to me the my ex was claiming that our divorce was traumatic for him. I was incredulous. He was the one who told me to move out. He was the one who was chronically unfaithful. So how did this divorce traumatize him?

But then I realized, I was no longer there to clean up after him and the house he lives in is in terrible shape. I held everything together when I lived there. When I left, it fell apart. Completely

So here is how he demanded that I be his savior/servant/mother. This verse speaks of Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:17 He [b]is before all things, and in Him all things [c]hold together.

The ex was the first part of the verse. He made sure he was the most important person in all things. But the second part of the verse was all me. I held everything together. When I left, it fell apart and he had to live with the consequences of his entitled, self-centered, inconsiderate mess making. And he found it to be traumatizing.

What the heck did he think living with him was like for me? He never thought twice about what he was doing to me. It was all about him. And the church agreed with him. They said over and over again that if I just submitted enough and respected him enough, that would save the marriage.

Because for a long time, that is all the church cared about. Saving marriages. If it was destroying someone in the marriage, that didn't matter a hill of beans. Glad this is starting to change. But it's taking way too long. And it's way too late for me.

No Quarter November Numbskull

 Stupid title. I know. But I'll get to the reason for it later.

The main reason for this post is to link a secular article about Wilson's No Quarter November Fiasco.

That Moscow Mood: How much culture war is too much, for American Evangelicals?

Linking the above because I found that it summarized the crazy events on Twitter/X that dogged Wilson's No Quarter November antics this year.

WenatcheTheHatchet was the first to draw my attention to the fact that Driscoll was influenced by Doug Wilson early on. And I can really see that. If I knew where to find that post, I'd link it. May go back and do this eventually.

Anyway, why did I use the term "Numbskull" to describe Wilson? Because it starts with an "N" like No and November. Numbskull means stupid or foolish person. Wilson is not stupid. He is very intelligent. However, Wilson is not wise. He is quite foolish, and not in a good way. He is foolish in his words and thoughts and in the way he causes "The Little Ones to Stumble". He is foolish because he is oblivious to the millstone that he has been attaching to his own neck over that last few decades of his life.

It is true that I am angry with him for his abuses and for covering up the abuses of other privileged white men. But more than that, I pity him for his foolishness and misunderstanding of the heart of God for His children.

The Downward Spiral to a Wife Spanking Cult

 There's a lot going on in the Twitterverse, or X.

Doug Wilson is in a negative spotlight, again. No surprise.

But, anyway as I'm watching this unfold, I came across a link to these two Podcasts from a woman who escaped from a wife spanking/domestic discipline cult. I am listening to Part 1.

Shiny Happy Wife: Tia Levings on Christian Fundamentalism (Part 1)

Shiny Happy Wife: Tia Levings on Christian Fundamentalism (Part 2)

I'm leaving this here so I can refer back to these.

Also, this Podcast channel has a lot of other cool things to look at and I'll be able to get back there through this post.

A Little Bit Culty.

I hope Doug Wilson is exposed for what he is. He's awful and Evangelicals need to stop taking him seriously.

Abusers Are Going to Abuse

 Narcissist are going to love bomb to build their kingdoms then devalue and discard the people they have used when their usefulness is deemed over.

Mark Driscoll is a Narcissist, a User, and Abuser. And he's not going to stop. He's just going to make a safe place for himself so that he can continue to build his kingdom and stoke his ego.

Mark Driscoll's Safe Space: How the Embattled Pastor Built a New Church and Became an Online Influencer

I don't want to wish him ill. I just want him to stop using and hurting people. Is that asking for too much?

There are too many narcissistic pastors in places of influence and Driscoll is one of the worst.

I found out from reading the article linked above that there is a closed forum where Driscoll's victims from both Mars Hill in Seattle and Trinity in Scottsdale meet, share their stories and support one another.

From the linked article:

"Former members of both churches have formed a private online forum to share their stories and support one another. They gather and discuss regularly on a locked Facebook group called “The Sound and Valley Connect,” named after the Puget Sound area that was home to Mars Hill and the Trinity’s location in the Arizona valley."

This is Mark Driscoll's legacy. These are the multitude of sacrifices that have been made and continue to be made on the altar of Driscoll's massive ego.

I've said it before many times. And will continue to say it for as long as it takes.

This man is NOT a pastor. This man is NOT a Bible teacher. He plays at teaching the Bible with great, fleshly charisma and pizzazz. But whatever he "teaches", it must prop up HIS massive ego.

No, Driscoll doesn't teach God's Word. He uses the Bible as a sock puppet that always agrees with him.

Driscoll's Delusional. Thinks He's Elijah

 I wanted to title this post, "Driscoll is selling War again" as a sort of part two or companion post to my 
"Driscoll is selling Sex again" post. But it just wasn't as explosive sounding as, "Driscoll is Delusional."

Because Driscoll works so hard to be so explosive, controversial, and cutting edge, I went for the more bombastic title in honor of the bombastic and attention-seeking drama queen who is the subject of this post.

First off, I guess selling sex didn't work out for Driscoll as well as he had hoped. Book sales for his "Real Romance" book must not be anywhere near what his old "Peasant Princess" series was back in the good old days of Mars Hill. If they were, then perhaps Driscoll wouldn't be so quick to try to sell war. He might not have jumped into trying to be a god of war, declaring himself to be Elijah, and saying he's a weapon if his "Real Romance" had done better in book sales. And his Real Romance book might have done better if Driscoll actually knew what 'real' meant. (No Driscoll, your thoughts and opinions are not real while everyone who disagrees with you is fake. You are not the standard for reality. You are so delusional that it is getting comical. Yes, I said it. You are becoming a big joke.)

How I wish that Driscoll could have a real encounter with Elijah and find out how far out of touch he is with reality and how far out of touch with the Bible he is. He might find that he has more in common with the prophets of Baal than he'd like. He might find out that he has more in common with the controlling spirit in Jezebel than with the Holy Ghost working through Elijah.

Poor delusional man. And poor deceived, delusional people who are following him off the rails of the crazy train.

Maybe he'll make a few bucks selling his shtick. Maybe not.

Deconstructing from the Sin of Patriarchy

 The title above is a shortened version of what I wanted to have.

I wanted the title to be more along the lines of this. "The Evangelical Church needs to deconstruct itself away from its sin of Patriarchy before it completely dies. Because the Evangelical leaders have already made themselves quite irrelevant by clinging to this idol that they worship in vain."

Someone: "That's a bold move, Cotton, calling patriarchy a sin."

Me: "It's not nearly as bold now as it used to be. Now Evangelical Patriarchy is being exposed on many fronts for the sham it is and how it has lied to everyone including itself."

I've been deconstructing from the Evangelical's claim that Patriarchy is biblical for years and will link two posts about the two main lies (of many) that it has told it's women.

Lie number one id from June 2011: "I Heard It Said Once"

Lie number two is from September 2015: "The Patriarchs' Second Lie to Women"

Those familiar with my blog and the above two links won't need to follow them.

But I've said all of this to lead up to a way more important link. It is a discussion of how patriarchy works and how it truly hates women. The treatment of Beth Moore is used as evidence for the rotten fruit of patriarchy.

"Misogyny, the SBC, and Beth Moore"

Along with this link, I'll make another link to my friend, Cindy Kunsman. She will continue her exposure of a Bruce Ware's message eventually. But for now, she is enjoying a much needed respite as she meditates on how the leaders of the toxic patriarchy movement are passing away.

A Pause for Respite and Recollection

She was one who paid dearly for speaking out against men like Ware back in the day. Now, others are taking on the fight. But there are more of them and there is more support for them. Though people like Sheila Gregoire have also suffered, she has more support and there is more momentum carrying her and her message beyond some isolated area of the internet.

Patriarchy, your mountain top alter will soon be made low. And the women and children you thrusted down into the valley of abuse shall be raised up.

The Connection Between Shiny Happy People (SHP) and CBMW, Danvers, and the SBC

 I am so excited that my long time blogging friend is starting a new series on her blog.

She is like me, She used to blog like gangbusters back in the day. But more recently her posts have been few and far between.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was not triggered by SHP like a lot of my internet friends. I was never really influenced by Gothard or the IBLP. I was more involved with raising the alarm concerning Mark Driscoll, John Piper, Bruce Ware, Paige Patterson and the like who were pushing such horrible and misogynistic doctrine and causing such doctrine to become more mainstream.

And in those days, I was so glad that I had friends like Cindy Kunsman showing the links between Gothard/Quiverfull and CBMW, the Southern Baptists, and other things that were making me mad.

Anyway, SHP has affected Cindy deeply which she talks about here:

Concerning Shiny Happy People Two Weeks Later

She is now processing through the triggers, emotions and the deep personal cost she experienced for speaking out against Bruce Ware and Russel Moore. SHP has shown a bit of a spotlight on these terrible doctrines that are troubling the church and she, like so many of us, doesn't want the church to think it was just limited to Gothard and the IBLP

Following Bruce Ware's Primrose Path to Domestic Violence (Part 1: Ideas that fed those Shiny Happy People)

Cindy is good at what she does. Please go read what she had to say.

Shiny Happy People Aftercare Resources

 Yes, I watched it.

No, it was not triggering to me. I managed to avoid most of the crap that came from Gothard and the IBLP/ATI propaganda. I put them in the category of Doug Wilson, so far over the cuckoo's edge, I just couldn't get bogged down in their B.S.

Also, I never watched the Duggars on TV. Couldn't stand the idea of it. Plus, I was also more laser focused on Driscoll*, Piper, TGC, and others like that at the time who were also troubling the Church with their aberrant doctrine and teaching points.

But, I know that there are many, many people who have been or are going to be severely triggered by Amazon's number one tv show. So for them, I'll link a resource page:

Aftercare resources

*For those who come here for Driscoll stuff, I've been meaning to get to this. I even started a post about it but could never get back to finish it. So I'm going to just link these two things here. Do with them as you like.

Wenatchee the Hatchet has an interesting look at a recent Tweet from Driscoll comparing menopause to demonic possession. 

Which isn't strange since Driscoll links women pretty close to Satan. He has many examples like what Wenatchee lists in his post linked above.

Also, here is a quote from another source where Driscoll calls women who don't fit into his doctrine on womanhood Satan. It is under the subheading Family Division.

You could call these last two links off-topic, if you like. But I don't think so. It all stems from the same issue of celebrity preachers building up kingdoms for themselves and using God's name in vain to do so. These cult leaders are very controlling, ,manipulative, and often hate women.

Edited to add Recovering Grace's page on the topic of Shiny Happy People.

Seen "Shiny Happy People"?

Hopefully more people will find healing.

Final Word on Josh Butler's Beautiful Union Debacle

 Well, actually, there will never be a final word because Josh Butler is doubling down and determined to FORCE people to accept and understand his idiocracy.

But, I have really enjoyed the Substack series by Laura Robinson on the matter. Here is the latest from her series, words after her brilliant conclusion:

What If It's Just Bad? Beautiful Union Part Forever, It Will Never Stop

This is something I will probably refer back to because Reformer men don't understand what they have done to themselves and the church by sidelining women, insulting them, and never being willing to hear their voices if their voices are not fawning over how brilliant Reformer men are.

The ESV Is Not a Good Translation

 I've said it here before. I'll say it again. The ESV translation of the Bible is dishonest and it has an agenda that opposes the work of God.

It was made to support Complementarianism and Patriarchy. It was made to take away power from women in the Church and give it to men alone.

Here is a YouTube video going into it further:

3 Problems with the ESV

Edited to add:

Why I'm Not Using the ESV Anymore (The Good, The Sketchy, and the Gnarly)

Pearls Before Swine

 The author of this bit below posted it on Facebook and said to feel free to share. I'm not sure this is what she means. But I'm going to share it here for now and give her the proper credit. If she asks me to take it down, I will. Sharing because I so relate. Sharing because I feel that this is similar to my "The Parable of the Talents Revisited" post from earlier this month. (The link on her name goes to her Facebook page.)

*****

"Clutching Her Pearls: The painful preservation of God's good gifts" by Rebecca Congleton

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6

Torn to pieces. It may sound marginally melodramatic, but that metaphor, used by Jesus to illustrate the immense cost of offering what is most valuable to those who are unable to appreciate its importance, so poignantly describes the deep and dangerous wound, too often left in the hearts of Christian women. Those who passionately and courageously pursue a calling or openly pour out their gifts in a culture or environment where those callings and gifts are perceived as either less-than the ones proffered by men, or inappropriately sought by a woman, are very likely to have their souls trampled and their worth torn apart.

I was 28 years old, when I found myself co-leading worship with my new husband at a storefront church of fewer than 30 people in a small Indiana town. Joe was (and is) my second husband. My first marriage had ended after years of physical and sexual abuse, which culminated in my ex-husband’s arrest for stalking, voyeurism, and residential entry; crimes which were carried out against our young neighbor. It was only after his arrest that I felt the freedom to file for divorce. Though I had disclosed many incidents of abuse to my former pastor and his wife, I had always been encouraged to stay, pray, and submit.

A year later, having been liberated from constant peril and violence, rebuilding my life, recovering from trauma, safe and so very happy in my union with Joe, and leading worship in a new fellowship, I felt the healing winds of the unwavering love of Christ blowing powerfully through my heart, disturbing the well-anchored roots of shame and fear.

I felt like Mary, pouring out her priceless bottle of perfume. I had held onto my gift, my voice, my song, for so many years, knowing Christ had placed it in me for the purpose of worship, but always questioning how I could ever stand on a platform and fearlessly lift my voice, when I felt worthless, when my own husband could not love or care for me?

On the other side of that dark season, I finally felt free. I finally felt whole. It was time to step into my calling. The pastor who planted our brand new church, which was affiliated with a well-known global association of churches, recognized that calling and wanted to nurture it, and nurture it he did, until a devastating cancer diagnosis forced him to suddenly step aside. A week later, we welcomed a new pastor, and soon thereafter, I was informed, following a meeting between the new pastor and my husband—which I wasn’t invited to attend—I would no longer be on the worship team.

The reason provided to me for this change in leadership was vague and not related to my gender, but I knew immediately that was the heart of it, and I felt utterly destroyed, “torn apart”. I wept. I wept harder than the first time my ex-husband had sexually assaulted me. I wept from a different place. I wept from the very center of my being, the place where my devotion, my intimacy with Christ lives and grows. I wept as I felt those roots of shame and worthlessness begin to form once again. I had poured out my perfume. I had brought my precious pearls, so painstakingly guarded and treasured during years of abuse, and they had been carelessly rejected. There is no pain like the pain of having your purpose trampled underfoot.

Joe’s heart was broken too. He declined our pastor’s proposal that he continue to lead without me beside him. Holding me in his arms, as I cried, he said “How could I? How could I possibly do that, knowing you are hurting like this?”

For months we faithfully continued to attend services at our church. Most Sundays I cried through the entire worship set, now led by two brothers, ages 15 and 16. I lifted my hands in surrender and refused to allow the agony of this loss to create distance between my heart and God’s. I wasn’t just broken, I was angry. I was confused. I wasn’t even invited into a conversation about why I had been “sat down”. I would silently pray the same prayer over and over again. “Why can’t I be used the way I know you want to use me? I don’t understand. Just help me understand.”

I wish my experience was the exception and not the rule, but my heart has been grieved over and over, as I’ve heard and observed similarly painful experiences by women who want nothing more than to live out their callings in honor of Christ.

A friend in South Carolina wrote to me, recently, on social media, describing how she was treated as a young woman in bible college. When she was just a freshman, a professor accosted her in front of his entire department for closing his office door behind her, when she met with him to discuss a paper, treating her as though her very presence in his office was an indiscretion, because she was female. She was also denied the opportunity to pursue Pastoral Studies and wasn’t provided with a mentor to answer her theological questions, because all the mentors were men. Now, years later, having been subjected to bullying by a male pastor at a church where she was a counselor, she is not currently in active ministry. This intelligent, kind, creative, God-loving individual with so much to offer the Body of Christ works in a secular field and is thriving, but how might her story have been different if the men who claimed to follow Christ had treated her as an equal?

My husband and I spent a few years traveling as full-time music missionaries, and we eventually relocated. Now, living in the deep south, hardly a week goes by when I don’t witness the oppression of women within the faith community. Male headship and authority are so deeply ingrained here, to openly think differently is to welcome disdain, admonishment, and even severe correction. Still, I know it is not the heart of Christ. When Mary brought her perfumed oil and knelt at his feet, he honored her. He recognized not only the value of what she poured out, but her worth as an image bearer of God. While the religious elite stood by in shock and judgment, insisting her most valuable asset was not being utilized appropriately, Jesus allowed her to use her hair, one of the most culturally significant features of her womanhood, to wipe her tears from his feet. Can you imagine anything more intimate and easily misunderstood? Yet he did not push her away or rebuke her. Her gender, her femininity was not a threat to him. Her motives were not questioned by him, because she was female. He valued her gift, because he knew what it cost her, and be assured the cost was much higher than simply the price of the oil.

It has taken me until the age of 41 to fully understand the harm done by complementarian theology, not just to the women whose giftings are rejected, but to the whole of the Body of Christ, when fifty percent of us are relegated to smiling, cake-baking, baby-birthing, “helpers” and nothing more.

Joe and I received a late night knock on our front door from that Indiana pastor, several months after I was dismissed from leadership, a knock which was followed by a sincere apology and a reinstatement—after he had discussed whether women should be permitted to lead worship with the California-based founder of our fellowship of churches, who affirmed it was an acceptable role for women—but the damage had been done. We stepped back into our position, leading a gathering of roughly thirty people in worship, every Sunday, for the next couple years, but never with the same confidence, never with the same blissful feeling of being right where we belonged. I was once again “clutching my pearls”, aware I was not in a safe place to fully walk in the calling placed on my life.

I’m so thankful to say, after a long journey serving and struggling within complementarian churches, Joe and I are now part of the worship team at a thriving egalitarian church, where we live in Augusta, GA. One of the first things the Worship Pastor said specifically to me, after our audition, was “Rebecca, I see leadership in you,” and those six words may have been the most healing words a Pastor has ever spoken to me.

Clutch your pearls, if you must. Stash your expensive oil away from the eyes of earthly-minded men, but seek out Jesus. Look for him where he may be found, and there at his feet you will discover a safe place to pour out the most valuable substance you possess, the very life and breath he has given you. It is never a waste to offer them there, and you can trust that he will never chastise you or turn you away. He will never trample your beautiful soul beneath his beautiful feet.

*****

Thank you, Rebecca, for putting so eloquently what many of us feel.