Let Women Tell Their Stories part 4

As my memory goes backwards in time to the ways my husband expected me to do everything while he gets the benefit, I think of something that happened while I was a stay at home mom, homeschool mom, and a pastor's wife.

That's right. Early on in our relationship, my husband pastored. Another situation where I did most of the work concerning Sunday mornings. I might get into that later, but I have another story to tell about that time

Because we rented a building on Sunday Mornings, we held our Wednesday night Bible study at our house. Since the husband had another job besides pastoring, it was up to me to whip the house into shape for Bible Study that night while also homeschooling and caring for four children.

After time, my older sons started hanging around a group of friends and we opened out home to a Thursday night youth group where we showed a movie, gave them popcorn and soda then discussed the movie afterwards. There was a lot of cleaning up after that.

Then some time after that, the husband decide that he wanted to invite people over for supper on Friday Night.

That finally broke me. I explained to him that I was already maxed out and that I couldn't possibly host another thing. Homeschooling was already suffering because of all the extra burden I was carrying.

He fought me on this a little bit, but I wouldn't budge on this one.

Shortly after this, at a family gathering, his sister came to me and started lecturing me on the importance of being hospitable. She was gently trying to point out to me about how Biblical this was and that I needed to step up and be more hospitable.

This blindsided me, and I did not have a good response to her. Looking back on it a little later, I realized that the husband complained to her about how unreasonable I was about not letting him invite people over on Friday nights.

If I had not been blindsided I would have asked her if the husband had bothered to mention that I was already opening my home two nights a week. And I would have asked why those two nights did not count as being Biblically Hospitable. But, alas, I did not have my wits about me enough to make my case. I just shrugged her off. I knew I was already overextended. I didn't have it in me to lay things out for her. I was too exhausted..

And there were no teachings out there that I was exposed to about mental load and distribution of household labor. Just teachings on wives submit and respect and be oh so careful about ever telling him "no."

All I knew was that in order to support my husband's ministry and make him look good, I had to lay my life and sanity down and be his mother/servant/savior, making all things work for him.

Let Women Tell Their Stories part 3

As I relay my story of my ex forcing me into a mother/servant/savior mode over the years, I seem to be going backwards in time.

Early in our marriage, I was able to stay home and homeschool our children. I also did all the housework and household chores including mowing.

But then there came a point where I had to go back to work. And when I went to work, it became completely impossible to keep up with the continual mess making by Captain Chaos and his rambunctious offspring. So I had to pick and chose what was important to me as far as cleaning was concerned. There were some things that I just had to let go. There wasn't enough time in the day.

We went along this way for a few years. Then suddenly, one day, my husband decided to be mad at me about that state of the house and started yelling at me about it. One of the things he said was that I was a "terrible homemaker." 

And with this intended insult, I had a clearer understanding of his insanely unrealistic expectations.

Proverbs 26:2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying. so a curse without cause does not rest.

It was impossible for me to feel insulted or shamed by his remark. What was clear was that he had no clue what a homemaker even was. Instead of defending myself, I explained to him that the day I went back to work fulltime was the day I stopped being a homemaker.

But he wasn't having it. I was a wife and mother. I lived in a house. Therefore that made me a homemaker. Thus he was demanding that I be his mother/servant/savior.

But neither was I having it. There was no way on God's green earth that I was going to let him get by with misusing that word without a fight. Because he was a volatile man, I carefully chose my battles. And this battle was very much chosen. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You either have a homemaker you support or a fellow breadwinner you partner with.

He showed that he couldn't partner with me. He could only be demanding, demeaning, and incapable of understanding basic time constraints. In other words, he can only understand life in terms of his needs and whether or not I was meeting them to his satisfaction.

One time, I was trying to go back to school to get a new degree in my field and this really put a cramp in his style. Even though he initially agreed to me going to school, when it took away time from me taking care of him he started to really complain. One of my responses was, "I need for you to not be so helpless." This just made him angrier and he yelled louder.

I learned a long time ago that I wasn't allowed to have needs. And because I was low-maintenance anyway, I could live that narrative for a little while. But it was not a healthy or sustainable narrative for either of us. I was never designed to be his mother/servant/savior.

Edited to add this link: Narcissists use WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE

She just posted this today which I thought was fitting. I didn't have the phrase to use then. I only saw it as helplessness.

A Late Link about "The Rise and Fall..."

Taking a short break from my "Let Women Tell Their Stories" Series. 

Somehow, back in 2021, amidst all the "Rise and Fall of Mars Hill" mishmash, I missed an article calling out a misunderstanding that Cosper has concerning victims of religious hierarchal abuse.

But in an effort to be kind to myself and my own healing, that was the year my divorce was finalized. In addition, I had a whole host of other things going on.

Anyway, there is an article in the Baptist News Global concerning Cosper's interview with Josh Harris and how he and Christianity Today "used its conversation with Harris to further push a false narrative about the hurting people conservative evangelicals have abused."

Sorry if you have seen this. But I haven't until just recently. And I want it be able to find this article quickly so I'm linking it here:

I lived in the culture of 'The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill' and there's one part of the story that's wrong.

Now, hopefully I can finish my series "Let Women Tell Their Stories" where I'm telling the story of how my ex used me and made me his mother/servant/savior.

Let Women Tell Their Stories part 2

 I thought about going in and editing last week's post to add this little snippet. But I didn't want to make that post any longer than it already was.

Also. Just writing that much out last week has opened a floodgate of more ways the ex expected me to hold things together to make him look good without him having to lift a finger. Since I can't afford therapy right now, perhaps I can offload some of the damage he did to me here and work through the different ways he used me.

The one I want to address today is not really about me, so much, but rather illustrates how the ex sought and found another woman to use to hold things together.

Anyway, if you read part 1 of this series, you would have found out about the girlfriend that the ex asked me to leave because of. Well, the following year the ex hosted Christmas for our grown children with the help of his girlfriend. My children were still mad at him and her and decided that they weren't going to even acknowledge her existence at the house I used to share with my ex.

But I did something right in raising my daughter. She saw the girlfriend hiding in the kitchen doing the dishes. And she saw that she was being used by the ex just like I was. So she went in and made conversation with her out of empathy. 

I had made peace a long time ago concerning whatever females my ex decided to carry on with. They didn't know what he was or what they were getting themselves into. Initially, he can present pretty well. And they probably believed his lies that I was an awful person. 

Needless to say, the ex's relationship with that girlfriend didn't last long. And he has had many other girlfriends since then, including a long distance relationship with a female from Russia.

He still truly believes that his "soulmate" is out there somewhere waiting for him.

I saw the following quote on the internet somewhere. It said:

"I'm not sure what a soulmate is. But I'm pretty sure that it isn't someone who sucks your soul right out of you."

And I have to agree. The ex says and truly believes he is searching for a soulmate. But what he's really looking for is a mother/workhorse/savior/porn star. That's what he thinks a soulmate is.

"Let Women Tell Their Stories" And Col. 1:17

 The title of the post is a quote from Ngina's blog post "Do Pastors Ask Women To Be Saviors and Mothers of Their Husbands?"

Originally she posted on Instagram: "Culture and Christianity often ask women to be moms and saviors of their husbands." She said this amidst a few other things.

A man responded and said "“Nowhere in Christianity are women taught to be saviors or mothers to their husband. Secondly, dysfunctional behaviors is a human problem, not a gender problem. Both men and women bring dysfunctional traits to a marriage.”"

The above linked post is in response to his comment on Instagram. She says a lot of good things in that post and I encourage you to read the entire thing. But her main point is that women are called upon by society and the church to continually go the extra mile without rest while giving the man a pass to be a big, self-centered baby. Not her words. Just my paraphrase.

So, anyway, I am now going to tell a very abbreviated version of my story. I'm leaving out a lot of details, so if something doesn't make sense, ask. I can elaborate.

I divorced the man-child back in February of 2021. We had both agreed that the marriage was unsustainable. But we had also agreed that, just like I was with him through the deaths of his parents, we would hold off on the divorce until I got my mother situated in a way where she didn't need as much care from me. He couldn't hold out. He asked me to leave because he had a girlfriend he wanted to go public with in the small town where we lived (he had been unfaithful with many different women for years,) They felt they couldn't go public as long as I was still hanging around. The girlfriend had a reputable business in town and didn't want to be considered a home wrecker. If I could have spoken to her, I would have assured her that the man-child aka "Captain Chaos" wrecked our home years ago.

Anyway, I digress. I finally was able to get my mother moved to an assisted living and that very week, I found an apartment and moved out. Suddenly, my life became a whole lot easier. The ex was a walking mess maker. When he cooked, he usually dirtied every dish in the house. If I cleared a flat surface like a counter or table top, he would clutter it up again instantaneously when he was home. If he was at work or sleeping, I could enjoy that clear space until he got home or woke up. He was always wanting to do things then left the clean up for me. Like camping. He dumped everything on the living room floor when we got back and never touched it again. He would want to do an Octoberfest on some land we own. But once the partying was done, he didn't lift a finger to clean up, letting trash blow around all winter if I didn't go do something about it.

If I ever complained about the messes he made he would accuse me of "raining on his parade." My only response was, "Well at least you get a parade because I sure don't." But I wish I had a response that I heard later from a friend who was in a similar situation. She said that in her previous marriage, she felt like the person who followed the parade with a pooper scooper to clean up all the trash and horse crap.

Anyway, recently it got back to me the my ex was claiming that our divorce was traumatic for him. I was incredulous. He was the one who told me to move out. He was the one who was chronically unfaithful. So how did this divorce traumatize him?

But then I realized, I was no longer there to clean up after him and the house he lives in is in terrible shape. I held everything together when I lived there. When I left, it fell apart. Completely

So here is how he demanded that I be his savior/servant/mother. This verse speaks of Jesus Christ.

Colossians 1:17 He [b]is before all things, and in Him all things [c]hold together.

The ex was the first part of the verse. He made sure he was the most important person in all things. But the second part of the verse was all me. I held everything together. When I left, it fell apart and he had to live with the consequences of his entitled, self-centered, inconsiderate mess making. And he found it to be traumatizing.

What the heck did he think living with him was like for me? He never thought twice about what he was doing to me. It was all about him. And the church agreed with him. They said over and over again that if I just submitted enough and respected him enough, that would save the marriage.

Because for a long time, that is all the church cared about. Saving marriages. If it was destroying someone in the marriage, that didn't matter a hill of beans. Glad this is starting to change. But it's taking way too long. And it's way too late for me.